Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
