...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
