can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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