So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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