im about as happy as oj after his trial
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
