I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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