remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
