I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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