Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
