I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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