my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
