I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
