Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
