Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
