My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
