Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
