Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
