ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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