I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
