The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
