I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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