dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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