I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
