He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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