i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
