STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize