i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
