my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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