last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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