dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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