I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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