Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
