I want to make a zoo with you.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
