Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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