I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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