News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
