I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
