Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
