Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
