i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
