Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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