I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize