I haven't been this sober since birth.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
