you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
