Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
