There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
