god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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