I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
