Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize