Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
