I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
