i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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