Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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