You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
