listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
