Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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