I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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