He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
