Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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