Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
