Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
