I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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