I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize