i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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