I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
