so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
