her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize