I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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