Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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