Screwed.edu
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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