she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
