I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
