I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
